Learn what the stars have in store for you
Cancer: I predict that Cancer’s symbol, the crab, will have major significance for you this month. On the one hand, you may feel crabby. Keep in mind the immortal words of some dead electrician: “Whatever begins in anger, ends in shame.” Don’t let temporary annoyances rule you. On the other hand, you may have a lovely month and just pay a visit to Red Lobster for Incalculable Crab™. If you do, here’s my super-psychic prediction: you will want extra biscuits.
Gemini: Many say you’re two-faced, but you can’t help it—you’re a Gemini! So, don’t be alarmed when a pimple crops up on your cheek early this month. And definitely don’t be alarmed as it grows to the size of a ping-pong ball and then sprouts features, which look eerily like your own. It’s just because you’re a Gemini! Remain calm as the growth seems to whisper things to you in the night. Ignore these murmurings as best you can, until you pop your second face in a moment of madness. Stay calm Gemini, as you grieve your second self, destroyed in pursuit of vanity. Remember to use a hydrocolloid sticker after!
Aries: Aries sounds like Ares, the Greek god of war, and that’s what you have on tap this month. Whether it’s a simmering resentment against the classmate who calls everyone in class “my colleague,” or the one who always sits in your assigned-not-assigned seat, you’ve got to confront them. Don’t worry, I reasonably foresee that you will succeed in any confrontation this month.*
*The author of these horoscopes disclaims any liability for physical altercations against annoying classmates but will hold your earrings/bag.
Capricorn: Dutiful, hard-working Capricorn: your horoscope for this month is just so mystical, so earth-shatteringly enlightening, I could only write it down in code, lest I shred the timespace continuum with the power of my oracular abilities. Please read the first letter of every horoscope in the order presented here to unlock your destiny.
Scorpio: Everyone knows that scorpions are dangerous if you don’t spot them before they sting you. In addition to being lifted from my third-grade science project on the fauna of the Sahara, that maxim is a good reminder for your upcoming month. Things may seem sunny on the surface, but threats lurk beneath. Fortunately, with your sharp perception, I’m sure nothing will get past you. This is much like real-life scorpions, which, as I learned in the third grade, have six to twelve eyes to spot prey. And they glow under blacklight! I bet you can’t do that, Scorpio. Or if you can…maybe take a shower.
Virgo: Your flexibility will be tested this month, and I don’t mean like yoga. Control is your middle name (is that French?), but if you allow other people to take the wheel this month, they just might surprise you. You’re still allowed to have a conniption about how they’re doing everything wrong, but keep it internal, which should be manageable since quietly judging people is your favourite hobby (tied with label-making).
Sagittarius: Open your eyes—there’s an Aquarius in your life that you’ve been neglecting, and if you don’t pay them some attention this month, you risk losing them for good. Simple favours like grabbing them coffee or sharing notes with them when they miss a class will go a long way. If they seem to be avoiding you, show them you really care by sitting next to them in class or lingering by their locker at the end of the day just to chat.
Taurus: Unfortunately, when you’re named after a defunct line of reasonably-priced Ford sedans, sometimes you have to set your expectations for excitement a little low. Not so this month. You will go on adventures beyond your imagination, rescuing damsels and slaying dragons. You will return as a new person with new dreams. Sadly, you will have to return to your boring old life when the month is over. #SundayScaries!
Leo: Look, Leo, we all know you love attention. But you can’t expect your friends to stand around complimenting your achievements all day. Sometimes it’s better to move in silence, like the G in lasagna. When you surprise everyone by achieving something without having bragged about it every five minutes, people will think you’re doubly cool—I call it compounding impress.
Aquarius: Opt to keep your guard up this month, Aquarius—a Sagittarius in your life is trying to destroy you. If they give you a coffee—it’s poisoned; offload it to a SNAIL. If they give you notes from class—they wrote down the opposite of what the professor said to sabotage you. If the Sagittarius is stalking you in class or loitering around your locker, it’s time to adopt a new identity. I recommend a fake moustache and a convincing cover story for why a transfer student would come to a new school a month into the semester (maybe your old school was bulldozed because it cast a shadow on a neighbouring hotel?). Your secret is safe with me and the entire Ultra Vires readership (so, me and like six other people).
Pisces: Oh, Pisces, if they wanted to, they would. As a fish, you should know that there are plenty of your kind in the sea, and it’s not becoming of a future pillar of justice to be pining for someone who can’t even offer a text back. Perhaps you can date an adequately cute fellow law student instead of the person that’s been stringing you along? Of course, their passive-aggressive devil’s-advocating will eventually become unbearable, but at least it will distract you until you can meet a med student.
Libra: Keeping it real, Libra, I almost forgot you existed while writing these. Libra is symbolised by the only inanimate object of the Zodiac—the scales. I’m sure that’s a great omen for your legal career, but compared to all the other, more animated signs, you run the risk of not being noticed. And that’s, like, so unfair, because you do so much cool stuff! Like that time when you… or when you did the… um, well, I’m sure you’ve done some cool stuff. Anyway, don’t forget to use your advocacy skills this month to stand up for the most important person in your life—yourself.