You need to write an article for UV, now what?
The UV team cares deeply about student concerns. As such, we bring to you a piece that may be of significant interest to *cough* some of you. You can confidently come out of hiding, settle down with your donut in the atrium, and learn how to successfully avoid writing for UV.
- Harness the power of procrastination: Why write today what you can put off until tomorrow…or next semester? Add your idea to the pitch sheet and tell the team that it might actually be a better suited article for Halloween, or Valentine’s Day, or…next year’s orientation week? (Editor’s note: Don’t do this, we WILL find you).
- The ‘Group Project’: Who said law school isn’t collaborative? Find a partner or two and propose a collaborative piece. Get everyone on board, and then become the visionary that drops one-liners, like “that’s a great idea” to deflect any actual writing responsibilities.
- Master the ‘technical difficulties’ defense: your laptop did not in fact spontaneously combust, but you will do your best to gaslight the team into believing it. Bonus points if you name the mysterious malware that caused the chaos.
Oh no! They (we) caught on—your name is on the pitch list, you have a responsibility, you’re stressed just thinking about it. Now what?
Well we’re very experienced at effortlessly crafting UV articles, so here are five tips to write an article in under five minutes (results not guaranteed):
- Use the magic of repetition: If you’re writing an article about the recruit, use ‘coffee chat’ about 50 times—that’s 100 words already!
- Interview a Jackman celebrity: ask your friends what they want to know about a new member of the Faculty, ask them several intrusive questions, and type it up—voila! You have a fresh piece of news ready for submission.
- Quote yourself, liberally: No one can question you—well, actually, everyone can, and likely will–-but this is advice on getting your article in, not staying out of controversies.
- Rely on ‘sources’ that don’t exist: Instead of quoting yourself, cite studies from imaginary experts or quotes from anonymous contributors. Who’s going to check, right?
- When in doubt, write every thought that flows into your brain as a Diversions piece and call it a day. If anyone tells you that they don’t think you’re funny, tell them they don’t understand irony.
Reach out to the UV team for more tips and tricks—or better yet, let us know what worked for you!
Happy dodging!