The perfect gift for you this festive season, based on your horoscope
Aries: Aries, you’ve racked up so much positive karma this year that I can’t even think of a gift good enough for you. Well done! If you were getting a gift, it would be the spiritual equivalent of a perfect ramen egg, a miniature dachshund, and a cool sword all wrapped into one (AKA Sir Humpty Shortlegs). With all the good energy deservedly coming your way, now would be a good time for you to wish on a star, an eyelash, or a sighting of Abella around the law school for something you really want. Just remember—no wishing for more wishes, or for more Abellas (I’ve tried).
Taurus: You should get one single sock (used, wet) this year. You know what you did. And no, the Edible Arrangement was not enough of an apology, it had too much honeydew.
Gemini: Geminis are renowned for their communication skills. Unfortunately, when it comes to ‘communicating’ about ‘community history’ (AKA gossiping about any person or thing you’ve ever perceived), you can be a little overzealous. There’s nothing wrong with maintaining oral tradition, but consider the silver rule: don’t say it about them if you wouldn’t say it to them. If you don’t think you can abide by that rule, might I recommend that a roll of duct tape be at the top of your wish list? When you’re hit with the urge to make a snide joke about the ex-of-a-friend-of-a-friend you’ve never even met, you can slap a piece of it over your loose lips and feign a more aloof aura instead.
Cancer: I think the stars have been a bit too harsh on you this year, Cancer. Since the world decided to wear you down to the very fiber of your being since last January, the gift you most deserve this holiday season is a nice trip away. Maybe somewhere warm, where they serve drinks that taste like sunscreen with little umbrellas? Just remember to please, please, bring me back a sand dollar, I’m so close to sandtirement.
Leo: Have you had your eyes checked lately? That isn’t a weird pick-up line. I’m asking because there’s something very obvious in your life that you are just not picking up on, whether it’s eyebrow blindness, that your totally-just-a-friend is playlist-making-level in love with you, or that your landlord is plotting to evict you so that their ‘son’ can move into your unit for a 30% rent increase. That’s why, this holiday season, you should ask for some glasses. For what it’s worth, my Warby Parkers are holding up reasonably well (not sponsored) (yet) (they won’t answer my emails).
Virgo: Miscommunications suck, and they’re extra painful when someone you love just doesn’t get you. You’ve tried explaining yourself, but it’s like you’re speaking different languages. As such, there’s no better gift for you this season than a Super Duolingo subscription! With just a few minutes of practice a day, you’ll be able to tell that someone ‘it hurts when we’re not on the same page’ in your choice of Spanish, Japanese, or High Valyrian. Plus, you can rest easy knowing that your thirty cents a day sponsors Duolingo interns to keep generating fresh corporate cringe in other brand’s TikTok comments.
Libra: Bored, bored, bored – this time of year is normally chock-full of gut-wrenching exam panic/holiday cheer, but for some reason, all you’re wondering is how much melatonin it would take to sleep until January (would not recommend, the hat man is most active this time of year). My gift recommendation for you? Fourteen hours of doom-scrolling in bed! Let those easy hits of dopamine passively stimulate your brain until it’s as smooth and unprotesting as a surfaced blobfish. To stave off ennui, you’ll have to keep scrolling faster and faster as the hours pass by, until you sit up with a start, realizing it’s pitch-black outside and you’ve entirely wasted one of your precious days on this Earth watching 21-year-olds review anti-aging skincare. Terrified by this confrontation with your mortality? At least you’re not bored anymore! Don’t say I never gave you nothing.
Scorpio: You need a new pair of sneakers this holiday season, and that’s not intended as disparaging commentary on your cardiovascular health. Something in your life is chafing you like a marathoner’s nipples at the 25th mile, and you just need to run away. Maybe it’s a relationship you’ve outgrown, a job your heart is no longer in, or even a hobby you feel you’ve sucked the marrow out of. Either way, don’t forget this ancient wisdom: ‘if it sucks, hit da bricks’. The sunk cost fallacy is called a fallacy for a reason. Lace up, and hightail your way to greener pastures.
Sagittarius: You know how you’ve been feeling a bit unlike yourself lately? Your perfect gift this year would be a mirror, because you need to take a good long look in one. Change is scary, especially when we’re the thing that’s changing. Will I like this new version of myself? Will others? Will I still be better than my classmates at crosswords? Remember: fear of dissolving into caterpillar goo will only keep you from sprouting wings. It’s time to reflect on the new parts of yourself that are emerging and embrace them, rather than mourning your 16 disappearing legs (just think what you can do with the pants budget you’ll free up!).
Capricorn: Your gift, Capricorn, should be a bouquet of red roses. Whatever your current romantic situation is, you can expect it to reach the next level soon. Have you been seeing someone casually? It might be time to ask them to go exclusive-but-unlabelled (which totally doesn’t make me want to grumble “kids these days”). Been seeing someone for a while? Maybe it’s time to see if you can add them to your lease (I’m sure your roommates won’t mind). Already living with someone? I foresee a big shiny rock in your future. This ‘next level’ may take many different forms, but whatever it is, enjoy those sweet nothings and sax solos.
Aquarius: You’re better at keeping secrets than I am, Aquarius, because if I had as many scandals piling up behind closed doors as you do, I’d probably have a second anxiety rash. That’s why you need a diary, and preferably a Scholastic-book-fair-style one that comes with a little lock. The saying ‘three can keep a secret if two are dead’ is, perhaps, a little extreme in the circumstances, but I’d definitely recommend that you confess the skeletons in your closet to a non-sentient notebook before bringing any human ears into your confidence.
Pisces: Your perfect gift is a weird one, Pisces: a top-tier insurance plan. The stars are not happy with you this festive season. If you take a holiday road trip, you’re going to get five flat tires (the spare will not be spared). If you wrap a gift, you’re going to get a third-degree paper cut, right in that weird little webbing between your thumb and pointer finger. If you go for a walk to enjoy the coldest winter we’ll see for the rest of our lives, you’re going to slip on a patch of ice, slide down a big hill, and crash into a snowman, in the style of a mid-budget Disney channel holiday movie. As funny as that sounds, I predict the resulting injuries will only be amusing to the medical residents who’ll come to study you. I know law students are allergic to risk anyway, but might I advise you to be a little extra cautious this month? Your ribs, tibia, ribia, and coccyx will thank you.