Totally real news from a totally HH worthy law school
Holy Month: Jackman Students Prepare for Annual Bora’s Head Pilgrimage
December might strike you as exam season. But, what you might not know is that December is also a month of deep religious significance.
Since time immemorial, students have paid their respects to Bora’s Head by leaving discarded outlines, Red Bull cans, and the remains of their self-worth at his feet. Participation in this annual ritual is said to ensure you will not receive any LPs.
Introducing December’s Top Travel Destination: Flavelle
Historically and legally equivalent to Canada, Flavelle is the post-exam travel spot you’ve been looking for.
The country? state? oligarchy? features cities like Falconer and Jackman, and every street is generously sponsored by law firms like MacMillan, McKarthees, and Ohzler. For foodies, Tereema is a Michelin-star eatery, and of course, accommodations on the benches of Filosophers Walk provide a luxurious resting place. Don’t wait any longer and book your trip to Flavelle today!
We hear it’s quite busy during exam season, making post-exams the perfect time to avoid the crowds and truly enjoy your stay.
Fear Not: Effective New SNAIL Repellent In Use!
To identify snails, the law libraries have developed a failsafe method of identifying law students. Upon entry to the library, students are asked what POGG stands for. Any 1Ls excluded are deemed to be under minimally impairing impacts and the proportionality weighs in favour of snail exclusion. To ensure nobody slips through the cracks, librarians circulate and ask random questions such as “What is Cognomos?” and “Define ITC.” Once identified, snails are firmly told to PFO.
Shift your Mindset this Exam Season
Exams can be a tough time, especially with all the talk around grades. Remember, at the end of the day, letters are just letters. For the sake of your mental health, we recommend shifting your mindset. Rethink what grades mean. P? Perfect. H? Horrible. HH? Horrendously Horrible. All P’s? Nothing more perfect than that. You are distinction. Keep up the great work academic weapon.
UofT’s Resident Locker Thief’s Long Awaited Return
The locker thief returns to the limelight after a nearly dormant semester. After scoring an iPad last year, the locker thief adds a freshly gained laptop to their haul. In a rare exclusive, the locker thief explained that they were worried about the statement their absence was making and the perception of safety. They also explained a need to ensure incoming 1Ls could experience the fear first hand, rather than the locker thief becoming an urban legend. The locker thief is deeply impressed with the impact their recent acts have had—in fact, administration was allegedly surprised by the locker thief’s sophistication and their ability to break into a locker with “one of the good locks.”
2L Still Missing, Last Seen in the PATH
Administration is advising students to keep an eye out for Matthew W, a 2L student who was last seen shortly before the recruit. Friends report that he last texted “Ok, going into the PATH to get to my next interview wish me luck.” On a more positive note, administration reports that only 1 missing student is a record low after the PATH had claimed up to 5 students in previous years. When asked for comment, one 2L asked “Wait, which Matt was that? Was that blonde Matt? Man, there’s so many of them I guess I lost track.”
Bora Laskin Library Undergoes Annual Transformation
With exam season approaching, Bora Laskin transforms yet again into pivotal barracks right outside the front lines. Soldiers lock in the fish bowl, honing their skills for battle. Study rooms become instrumental in planning strategic approaches. SNAILS hunted with lethal precision. Ultra Vires sends out support to our troops in the battles ahead, and we hope for a victory in the war against exams.
Senior Lawyers Happy to “No Longer Have to Care What the Youth Are Up To”
After a grueling recruit, many Senior and Name Partners report relaxation now that they don’t have to “pander to whatever nonsense is popular with the kids nowadays.” One partner at a full-service firm reportedly said “every year I have to get up to speed on whatever woke new Gen Z invention the students want to hear about like Fortnite or Sabrina Carpenter or ‘work-life balance.’ I’m just glad now that they’re locked into a lifetime contract so I can finally go back to spitting on anyone under 30 when I see them in the street.”