In this issue of UV, Dr. V takes Financial Aid questions
Dear Dr. Valencia,
If I make sexy eyes at Aladdin, do you think I’ll get more financial aid funding?
– Flirty Girty
Dear Girty,
Making sexy eyes at Aladdin is certainly in your best interest. Aladdin is one of those guys that has it all. Great skin, great hair, nice abs, an amazing singing voice, and even that natural eye-liner you see on dudes like Richard Alpert from Lost. You can see why Princess Jasmine was so into him.
I would also recommend making sexy eyes with Jafar. He has a calm evil that can make for an excellent provider. Nothing screams career motivation than nefariously trying to supplant a young princess through the acquisition of a Genie’s magic. He may have lost the first round, but I wouldn’t count him out long term.
Speaking of that Genie, stay away from him. That fella is just too enthusiastic about shit. Sexy eyes with him may end with an encounter with an uncompassionate, experimental lover. Nobody likes a rusty trombone or a Goodluck Jonathan, but with guys like him, that’s what you get.
As for financial aid funding…wait what were we talking about?
Best,
Dr. V
Dear Dr. Valencia,
I’m 37 years old, but the school’s still counting my parents’ income. What’s up with that?
– Golden Oldie
Dear Golden Oldie,
Boy that is demeaning! I’ll tell you what, I feel for you bud.. The only thing more demeaning must be being a 37 year old in school! Jesus man, how pathetic. The obvious answer is they are merely fucking with you. This is rubbing salt in your wound, which after all is what the financial aid office does. They are saying, “What are you doing in school at 37? Is your last name Bundy by chance?” In short, because you are in school at your age, clearly you just sobered up and left your parents’ basement for the first time.
This is obviously not true with U of T’s admissions standards, but I certainly don’t doubt that the financial aid office would tell that to your face if you asked them about it. Seriously, I heard a story about a girl who had to get in touch with an alienated parent to get a letter stating that indeed their relationship was severed. As difficult as that must have been, reopening old wounds of the highest order for a young person, rumor has it the financial aid office tried to claim that the contact between them was enough to constitute a relationship for the purposes of financial aid. Pretty fucked up!
Yeah the policy is clearly misguided, or at least uninformed. It’s very difficult to change careers at your age, especially if you have a family. Assuming that your parents’ are willing to help you as if you were in your early 20s only makes this more difficult. This should be changed.
Best of Luck Golden,
Dr. V
Dear D. Valencia,
What do I need to submit to get the interest payments made on my interest-free loans?
– Gene in Need
Dear Gene,
Stool, urine, and blood samples should suffice. Just make sure you don’t use the same receptacle for all three.
Sincerely,
Dr. V
Dear Dr. Valencia,
To save myself from graduating with crippling debt, Jiffiin recommended that I eat cat food and dumpster dive for new clothes. Do you have any thrifty tips for a student who’s sick of Fancy Feast?
Kat von D’scusted
Dear Kat,
I normally don’t recommend stripping and turning tricks, but if you can’t live up to some administrator’s level of cheapness you may consider it – especially dudes. If you’re looking fit fellas, and can dance, you’ll have a blast shakin it for older ladies, bachelorette parties, and “curious” or closeted dudes. Actually, I won’t get your hopes up, it’ll be all closeted dudes, but hey it sure beats dumpster diving.
Another option is palm reading. A long-time favorite of money launderers across the western world, with the right out-fit, palm reading can still be a very profitable endeavor. See in your dumpster diving adventures if you can pick up a scarf to wrap around your head and an eye-patch. If you can fake an Eastern European or Jamaican accent, this will help you dupe the rubes and superstitious.
Another option is transferring to another less-expensive law school. Just keep in mind, like those that don’t go to U of T, they always feel the need to mention why they didn’t go here (normally it goes, “I didn’t get in there, so I went to …”). If you are okay with that, then it’s a good option. There is a good chance you’ll do well enough at another school, so you’ll end up making the same shitty articling salary that we’ll make graduating from here with much less debt.
Good luck Kat,
Dr. V
Dear Dr. Valencia,
Are you even qualified to give financial advice? I heard a rumor that you are under investigation for tax evasion.
– Belle Buster
Dear Belle,
While by trade, I’m a relationship counselor, my experience with financial aid at the University of Rangoon has prepared me to field questions about financial aid and taxidermy. As far as tax evasion, I don’t discuss ongoing investigations.
See ya Belle,
Dr.V
