Ultra Vires


Point/Counterpoint: Who Can’t We Sleep With?


Point – Pete Smiley

This past month has seen some harsh words directed at this august publication. Allegations of misogyny. Accusations of juvenility. The bizarre suggestion that making fun of the pudgy and emotionally fragile Andrew ‘Young Gingrich’ Robertson is somehow unfunny. Juvenility, misogyny, and Robertson-bashing being my raison d’etres, I fell into a spiral of depression and self-doubt. With a heavy heart, I reached out to my esteemed counterpart.

“Andrew”, I said, “this column needs a new direction. Let’s do a point-counterpoint in which we talk about the gibbering incoherence of contemporary conservatism versus the intellectual exhaustion of contemporary progressivism. We can argue about whether it is the Occupy movement or the Tea Party that best represents the possibility of a new politics, untethered to the atrophied parties of the past, whose total acquiescence to corporate and union money have rendered them incapable of confronting the challenges of the 21st century.”

“No,” replied Andrew Robertson. “Matt Brown wants an article about banging your colleagues.”

So here we are. Should you sleep with your colleagues? No you should not. I know it’s tempting. I know you spend half your classes mentally dividing your cohort into “would sleep with voluntarily”, “only post-Armageddon if necessary to rebuild the human race” and “not even then” (i.e. the Andrew Robertson residual category). I also know that most of us are social incompetents whose only hope of ever experiencing human companionship and intimacy lies in finding someone as pathetic as ourselves. So I don’t blame you if you’ve woken up on a Friday morning beside that person who’s always asking professors about weird hypotheticals set on the space station. We all make decisions we’ll regret until we die sometimes. But here’s why you should try not to do that:

1. Because word gets around

You don’t need me to tell you that Andrew Robertson weeps uncontrollably during sex. You already knew that. Likewise, if you’ve ever done anything to anyone in law school, then rest assured that approximately 70 percent of your fellow students now know all about your sexual proclivities and are currently telling them to the other 30 percent. Also Dan Goldbloom is writing a hilarious ukelele song about them, and Matt Brown is working them into a graphic and misogynistic UV expose entitled ‘Matt Brown’s Law School Confidential, by Matt Brown’.

2. Because awkwardness 

It’s not just that you’ll be squeezing past your huge mistake to get to your locker for the next three or so years. There’s also a chance you’ll be encountering them in court for the rest of your professional life, and if there’s one thing that won’t help your case it’s getting into screaming arguments with opposing counsel about how those photos ended up on the internet.

3. Because frankly, you can do better.

Evolutionary biologists speculate that hot cave-people didn’t need to be smart to procreate. If the Andrew Robertsons of the paleolithic wanted to breed, however, they had to be really good at tool use (or document review). In consequence, there’s still an inverse relationship between intelligence and hotness, as a quick visual survey of our faculty and student body illustrates. Fortunately, the world outside of law school is full of really hot people who are also stupid enough that they think of law as a prestigious occupation, rather than as a morally bankrupt monopoly run by self-important and poisonous nerds. Sprinkle a little high-falutin’ law talk on these people and they might even be convinced to sleep with you!

In conclusion, your classmates are like the forbidden fruit, the difference being that if you eat them you won’t be given the knowledge of good and evil, but instead the knowledge of just how low your self-esteem is. Avoid them at all costs.


Counterpoint – Andrew Robertson

In answer to our critics’ slanderous accusations of frivolity, and in our finest tradition of bringing you concrete, hard-hitting answers to pressing questions that plague law students, we ask this month: should you sleep with your classmates? The answer, obviously, is that you most definitely should, it’s the greatest thing you’ll ever do. And don’t take the word of all your classmates who are happily dipping their pen in the school ink. Let me explain to you how great it is by using a numbered list.

1.   Because Word Gets Around

If you decide to get your nookie where you get your cookie, one of two things happens: 1) word gets around that you’re awesome in bed, in which case you can keep fishing off the school pier; or 2) word gets around you have some very strange peccadilloes. Now, number 2 actually isn’t a bad thing – instead of no one even knowing who you are, at least now they’ll know your name, even if it is only because you weep uncontrollably during sex. Any press is good press. It’s the UV motto.

2.   Because Awesomeness

Every time two people sleep together, there is a “Reacher” and “Settler”. The Reacher is reaching above their level of beauty; the Settler is settling for someone uglier than them. Obviously if you’re the Reacher, you can forever say that you got with that gorgeous dude/lady that was way out of your league. And if you’re the Settler, you can demonstrate to everyone that you do have a public interest side by giving a pro bono one to some uggo. We’ve all been both, and we’re all better off for it.

3.   Because frankly, you cannot do better

Smiley is right to tell you that the “outside world” is full of really hot people. And, while some of them might not be as quick as smart-asses like him, they are unfortunately not so dumb as to want to sleep with any of us. Truth is most of us are ugly compared to the General Population. And no amount of Jaeger-bombs and giving out your new business cards from your summer position with a great downtown law firm with your “private number” written on the back is going to change that. Trust me.

Thankfully, you are not forever doomed to sleep with ugly people. Why? Because of the greatest psychological phenomena of all time: Law School Goggles. The longer you roam these halls, the more you adapt to your surroundings and learn to survive with whatever provisions there are. One way of doing this is Law School Goggles, which effectively takes a few months to turn a 4 into a 7, and a 7 into a 10. It happens to both sexes more or less equally, so you might see an absolute 10 dating a real 2, be they men or women.

The best part is that by the time you hit 3L, you won’t even know who is or isn’t good looking anymore. For example, I think everyone at this school is gorgeous. Every last one of you. Yes, you, reading these words right now. You’re beautiful, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

So yes, you can shit where you eat; and afterwards, eat where once you shat. Don’t worry – everyone’s doing it!

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