Point: [Law] Ball so Hard, Mothafuckas Wanna Fine Me
David Pardy
Like Hitler in his 1942 invasion of Stalingrad, I will make use of the two-pronged attack to advance my crusade. Except, my crusade is to establish once and for all that Law Ball is an objectively better event than Law Follies. And I am not a maniac.
First, I will politely but thoroughly slam Law Follies. I will then reveal the divine truth: Law Ball is the best event of all time.
Law Follies
Law Follies is an oppressive and self-perpetuating regime that rewards the privileged and leaves the rest to rot. Privileged people can afford the training and resources to cultivate talents that, in turn, help them to gain respect from peers and entrench their social status as elites. The unprivileged among us can’t sing or dance or do anything impressive at all because they can’t afford to. See Eryn Fanjoy for proof. This criticism is familiar to us as law students, the future caretakers of the legal profession. Access to justice and vocal lessons cripples the integrity of the legal and entertainment systems entirely. Louis, “acting” in Law Follies as a lawyer exclusive to the elites, mocked this issue without even realizing that the very stage he stood on was a weapon of upper-class tyranny.
Also, what the fuck is up with professors attending Law Follies? They’re old and gross and boring and we see enough of them at school. I almost ralphed (Editor’s Note: What does “ralph[]” as a verb mean? – David Pardy’s Note: It means vomit. Read a book some time.) at the sight of Ben Alerie. Or was that David St. Bernard? Who can tell the difference? Anyways, if I’m going to yell inappropriate things, I don’t want professors to hear me.
Also, what’s with the off-colour jokes? What are we, Peruvians?
Law Ball
Let me be upfront in saying that Law Ball could be dramatically improved by changing the name to “The Carbolic Smoke Ball.” Despite this flaw, it is still the world’s best event. Here’s why.
Firstly, it’s an open bar. The open bar is probably ranked as the number one best invention of all time by several leading authorities, including the United Nations and the post-2012 Obama Administration. Get this. You can drink a drink. Then, you can go drink another one for free. Repeat. You can even drink multiple drinks at the same time. Repeat. And if the bartender says, “I can’t give you seventeen shots of blue curacao at the same time,” all you have to do is drunkenly flap your arm in the direction of the mob behind you and say, “They’re for everyone!” You’ll be seventeen shots richer. Remember when you ordered a “mojito” (i.e. horse piss and a shot of rum, probably) from Andi Jin at the Follies bar? At the Law Ball, you’ll realize how ridiculous you looked.
Louis & Co. is probably fretting, like a baby deer abandoned by his mother to die, over getting a good table together at Law Ball. There’s so much drama, right? Right. Law Ball Table Drama (LBTD) is the best drama that the law school has to offer, even surpassing Study Team Drama (STD) in March. The problem with STD is that it’s nearly impossible to get rid of once you get it. The members don’t trust each other and get embarrassed and it all devolves into a stinging ‘P’ for everyone. By contrast, LBTD is gone the moment your table collectively pounds the two bottles of wine that are waiting for you, as if placed there by Brendan Stevens Himself for this very purpose. Plus, LBTD is inherently excellent because drama. Why aren’t Mark and Brina sitting together? They’ve been in a secret fight. Drama. Why did Ron switch to another table? Harry and Hermione had some hot BDSM sex, and Ron was jealous so he left. Drama. I heard that Kirsten and Edward aren’t coming to law ball because she’s four months pregnant with him and they’re painting the baby room. Drama.
Beyond the open bar and the LBTD, Law Ball is great because you get to see a lot of people make-out on the dance floor, or, better yet, partake in it yourself. DFM has obvious personal benefits (you can make love to someone’s face, and also it will help build a strong immune system and give you whiter teeth), but benefits also transfer to society at large. I will borrow the acid-inspired words of John Lennon to illustrate my point: “Love is you, You and me, Love is knowing we can be. Love is free, free is love. Love is living, living love. Love is needed to be loved.” If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.
Finally, Law Ball is best because the late-night poutine bar. Such food, wow, very gravy. I rest my case.
Counter-Point: [Law Follies] was the Best of Times, [Law Ball] was the Worst of Times
Louis Tsilivis
For those who do not appreciate life’s fleeting moments of joy, of cheerfulness, of lightheartedness, Law Follies is a menace that they seek to demean and destroy. Now, I am not saying that David Pardy is necessarily one of those people. Eryn Fanjoy, having forsaken Follies for the frigid wastelands of Sweden, is one of those people; her failure to attend Follies and her numerous attempts to quash the show – conducted emotionlessly and with Nordic efficiency – is truly deplorable. What I am saying is that David Pardy is probably one of those people.
I want to ask three questions:
First: Is Follies a Tool Used to Perpetuate Privilege and Oppression?
David claims that Follies is only for the privileged – that wealth accords people the opportunity for leisure time, that wealth and leisure can allow skills to be built up (e.g. singing, dancing, acting, being jacked), and that without those skills you cannot access Law Follies. I think there is something compelling about this argument.
For example, Tyler Henderson is a horrible dancer, but he’s really jacked and has shredded abs, which is the only reason why he was cast in Follies at all. Yet those abs were shredded because he has an expensive gym membership that could only be acquired by wealth. His abs, to put it bluntly, were shredded on the blood, tears, and sweat of the working classes, on the global poor, on the victims of disaster capitalism and George W Bush’s imperialist wars in the Middle East. His abs are washboards of oppression, his so-called “guns” acquired by the guns of American militarism and Blackwater mercenaries.
Yet by acknowledging that it is a product of privilege, Law Follies seeks to challenge that privilege.
“Downton Abbey Legal Services” is a vicious attack on access to justice. While the Faculty were chortling at the British accents and the bowler caps and Jules dressed up like a disgusting chimney-sweep, they were being subliminally messaged to think that sort of privilege was really messed up.
“Promotional Materials”, while making the audience laugh at Ashvin Singh in a turban, caused us to pause and think about the school’s claims of diversity and for us to question the role of hegemonic Whiteness at the Faculty.
“Tuition Town Hall” – a sketch where the administration suggests that students facing tuition increases of 5% a year, a bleak legal market, and mental health stresses should sell their organs to pay for school – is really all about how amazing Marita and Megan are as actresses (it’s also a critique of the administration’s tuition policies, but that’s pretty obvious).
Unless we embrace Follies, we have no vehicle to challenge the institutional privilege and oppression that plagues our Faculty and the legal community.
Second: Is Law Ball a Gross Display of Privilege?
Yes, obviously. Law Ball is a disgusting showcase of privilege.
Students need to wear formal attire, which can set students back hundreds or thousands of dollars for dresses, bags, suits, shirts, ties, belts, and shoes. Thinking of wearing that $200 suit from H&M? Expect to be judged heavily from the trust-fund crowd who dines at Momofuku Shōtō and takes private jets to Amalfi and St Bart’s for Moët-fuelled long weekends. Law Ball just institutionalizes and legitimizes that sort of privilege.
But you can wear anything at Law Follies: hoodies, wooly sweaters, sequined blouses, onesies, Snuggies, V-necks – even nothing at all (see: Chad Pilkington, or Joe McGrade in 2013). Law Follies is not only fashion-inclusive, but it is a space where people can push the very boundaries of what is acceptable fashion. Here, the St Bart’s crowd holds no more social clout than the St Hubert crowd (Editor’s Note: “St Hubert” refers to a chain of restaurants in Québec that sells chicken dinners at relatively low prices). Whether you wear your mustard-stained Law Games 2012 T-shirt, your relish-covered O-Week 2013 T-shirt, or an Abercrombie & Fitch golf shirt, no one will judge you when the lights go down and the show begins (but really, the last one is pushing the boundaries a bit too far – like, please grow up).
Third: Which Event has More Icing and Raptor Heads?
Obviously, Law Follies does.
When I say “icing” (Google it, seriously), I am talking a full-blown civil war that pits 3Ls against 2Ls, that pits dancers against actors, that has negotiated terms of war, that has all the intrigue and sexy indoor smoking of House of Cards, and that features Game of Thrones-style bloody betrayals (but with drinking Smirnoff Ice instead of murder). When asked if Law Ball will have Smirnoff Ice stocked as part of the open bar, the SLS official told me, “I’m not quite sure, maybe ask [name withheld]”. But this answer is insufficient. Anything short of “Oh, obviously! ICE WAR!” followed by either (1) a fist pump, or (2) a high-five, is not good enough.
Law Follies also had two papier-mâché raptor heads, made lovingly by our former Director, Daniella, that made appearances both in the show and at the bar afterwards. When Brendan Stevens – worshipped student society president, acclaimed vocalist, and notable European-style bon vivant – was asked how many papier-mâché raptor heads Law Ball would feature, he answered “none”, and then said he needed to head to the library (probably where he stores his golden-plated helicopter that he uses to chopper off to St Bart’s).
In conclusion, Law Ball is the epitome of institutionalized privilege (to almost Kafka-esque levels), while Law Follies has lots of bros (used in the gender-neutral sense) icing bros, raptor heads, and can be a vehicle to challenge privilege, Whiteness, and colonialism. The answer is clear.