What you need to know
Alawnymous*
Law Follies: a harmless annual variety show/episode of drunken debauchery for both cast and audience, right? WRONG, SHEEPLE. This so-called “Law Follies” is actually an eponymous front, run by a shadowy agent of the deep law school.
His full name: Lawthonius Barche Follies The Second The Third, Esq.
We don’t know much about this devious monster, but we made a bunch of stuff up and we figure that’s good enough. Born at Shag Point, New Zealand, a young Lawthonius grew up eating frogs turned gay by fluoride in the water. On the subject of his birth, Follies claims to have had a mother, but your intrepid truth-seekers have it on good authority that he was the lovechild of a hipster lizard and a Whole Foods grocery bag.
As all Kiwis do, Follies came to Canada by way of an ancient coming-of-age ceremony requiring that he swim across the Pacific, lest he be fed to a rabid kiwi that eats only organic. Landing in Vancouver, he made his way to Toronto by stowing away in a suitcase owned by none other than future Puisne Justice, and known moon-witch, Frank Iacobucci. Upon arrival, he began terrorizing this very law school. He attained straight HHs while the law school was still on a regular letter scale and was known to have gotten into frequent fistfights with suspected vampire (and not the fun sparkling kind!) and student Michael Moldaver (as he then was).
After graduating as the platinum medalist, Follies seems to have dropped off the map for a period of time. However, super cool (and totally real), secret sources tell us that this time was spent inventing hourly billing, drafting the Legal Process curriculum, and designing the shockingly scratchy fabric of court robes. He then resurfaced in the mid-80s, sponsoring the initial ‘Law Follies’ under his suspiciously shortened name. WHAT IS HE HIDING? Since then, he has wrought nothing but ruin upon the law school and the world. The person crunching carrots in the library? FOLLIES. The entity whose farts are the leading cause of climate change? FOLLIES. (He just blames it on the cows.) The person poised to be the inaugural Dean of Ryerson Law? FOLLIES.
Furthermore, Lawthonius Barche Follies is THE barrier to excellence. Physically, that is. He can control 1Ls, small lizards, orchids, and other inferior forms of life with his mind. There is strong evidence (probative value OFF THE CHARTS) that he does cocaine off the Dean’s head. HE’S MESSING WITH OUR MINDS AND IT’S NOT FUNNY AND WE’RE SICK OF IT. And he’s NOT the Dean! OR IS HE?! No! He is not the Dean. OR IS HE?!?! How would he even do cocaine off his own head?
(~B E N D Y S T R A W S~)
Friends, Torontonians, country-people, the time has come to expose this nefarious, chicken-necked traitor for what it he is. Join with us, Alawnymous, on Thursday, February 7, at 7 pm at the Opera House to oppose the nefarious ways of Lawthonius Barche Follies, put an end to this madness, and cease to be bound by his chains.
*Liam Thompson (2L) and Tali Chernin (3L)
