Or how I nearly avoided the Toronto meat-grinder
Dear 1Ls,
Are you from Vancouver, British Columbia? (Do you want to be?) Are you sick of Toronto and that weird smell coming off of Lake Ontario? (You should be.) Would you like to go back for your 2L summer? (And possibly forever?)
If you’re unsure, let me paint you a picture: In Vancouver, you get to bask in the beauty of your natural surroundings. You turn your head to the north, and you are struck by the majesty of snow-capped mountain peaks. Turn to the west and exult in the expanse of the Pacific. Turn to the south and quickly turn north again. You are continually surrounded by the power of the ocean and the wisdom of old-growth forests. There is also vastly superior weed in Vancouver.
Convinced that you want to go back now? Yeah, I thought so.
My fellow West-Coasters, let me give you a few tips to acing the Vancouver 2L recruit. And for those of you from Onterrible (or beyond) and have realized that #westcoastbestcoast, this guide will help you pass for a real Vancouverite.
Step 1: Applications
The application process is broadly similar to Toronto, but there are a few key differences:
- It’s absolutely imperative that you wax poetic about how much better Vancouver is than Toronto in your cover letter. This is the first time you get to sell yourself to the recruiters, and you want to leave a positive impression. Vancouver firms use an algorithm that automatically screens out any cover letter that doesn’t mention southern resident orcas.
- In your “Interests” section, you must include three or more of these activities to be taken seriously: Hiking, Bouldering, Yoga, Paddleboarding, Yoga-while-Paddleboarding, Yogaboarding, Ultimate, Hacky-sack, Ultimate Hackey-Sack, Athleisure, Birkenstock sandals, and buying everything you own at MEC. You also better have your favourite bubble tea flavour and dim sum dish listed. Don’t be basic and list taro bubble tea or char siu bao, you’re better than that.
Step 2: Preparing for OCIs
You’ve gotten past the first hurdle and have secured OCIs with your top Vancouver firms. Congrats! They may just be the Vancouver office of Bay Street firms, but keep in mind that they’re different because they’re better because they’re in Vancouver.
And no need to worry about scheduling because the CDO will make your schedule for you! On the downside, you can’t turn any of them down. Should’ve thought of that before you applied to every single firm. But, there’s no time to dwell on that: we need to talk about your outfit.
Formalwear is a little different in Vancouver.
For men, instead of a dark suit, white shirt, and a boring tie, I recommend a full mountaineering outfit. It really communicates to the recruiters that you are ready for the tough uphill climb of the law if you’re literally ready to scale a mountain. Plus, an oxygen tank will be super convenient for those pre- and post-interview panic attacks. One word of caution: make sure your ice axes match your shoes. Just because you’re outdoorsy doesn’t mean you can get away with an obvious fashion faux pas.
For women, ditch that Hillary Clinton pantsuit, head over to Lululemon, and pick up a couple of those Wunder Under tights. Like attracts like, and you can bet your recruiter will be wearing the same thing. Only in black, navy, or dark grey though, you still need to be office appropriate, duh. For your top half, just drape a yoga matt over your shoulders and wear it like a poncho.
Step 3: OCIs
An OCI is basically “17 Minutes in Heaven” with a recruiter. There’s no frenching but there is all of the awkwardness. The only advice here is that it is incredibly important that you know how to properly pronounce Vancouver.
Native Vancouverites, feel free to skip ahead, but everyone else take note: Do not pronounce it “Van-COU-ver”. Do pronounce it “Vang-COU-ver”. To take home the gold, add a hint of the Kardashian whine when you stress the “-ang”. If the exact enunciation eludes you, avoid this pitfall and just call it “the ‘couve.”
OCIs are like a conversation, so it’s important to have great conversation starters you can pull out if there are any awkward silences. Here are some examples:
- The wildfires are clearly Alberta’s fault.
- Your favourite whale pod (J-pod, it’s definitely J-pod?).
- Which Cactus Club location is your favourite.
- That you can’t believe Toronto only has ONE Earl’s (but like, not that anyone actually likes Earl’s).
- If you’re totally stuck, just say “Surrey, am I right?” and shrug.
Step 4: In-Firms
You got a call on Call Day. Congrats! The good news is that scheduling literally does not matter because all the firms are in the same two buildings. Every. Single. Firm. It’s actually a by-law.
Now, unlike in Toronto, no one actually lives in downtown Vancouver. Downtown is actually just one big movie set, and the apartments are only rented out by the hour as dressing rooms. This means that you’re likely commuting. This also means that you’re just as screwed as if you had been taking the TTC.
Hot tip: Live in North Van (#northshorebestshore). Then you get to take the Seabus (a magical floating bus). This is faster because there is no traffic on the sea (science). If the Seabus breaks down, you have to swim to shore, but boy, what a story for your interviewers! And don’t worry about being wet because everyone will be sopping wet anyways: the sun hasn’t been invented in Vancouver yet. It actually rains indoors sometimes. Good thing you were wearing your mountaineering gear!
But do try to get a meal, ideally dinner. You will definitely be taken to a swanky seafood restaurant. Do not be afraid to order the seafood tower for two for yourself to show your dominance.
One downside of Vancouver infirms? Get ready to shell out a clean $1000 for the plane ride. Bring earplugs because there will be two babies and your in-flight entertainment system will be down (and that’s assuming that you’re bougie enough to fly with an airline with an in-flight entertainment system). Basically, get ready for five hours of pure hell.
Conclusion
Follow this guide and you’re definitely, most certainly guaranteed a job in The Best City on Earth. You then proceed through the rest of the semester with a smugness that can only come from job security while the rest of your class doing the Toronto recruit develop crippling anxiety and rip each other to shreds Battle Royale-style.
Good luck! Real Talk: Dear Toronto employers, I dropped out of the Vancouver recruit, so feel free to disregard this entire article and please hire me. I really need this, okay?
