Male lawyers beg for students to stop networking with them at urinals
Male Bay Street lawyers are begging students to stop approaching them to network while they are using a urinal, after a sudden spike in incidents.
Students have been reportedly violating the Urinal Code by occupying the urinals next to lawyers, even though there are other urinals open.
“Please, at least wait until I’m washing my hands. Just not at the urinal,” urged one associate, who awkwardly avoided our gaze as we interviewed him in his firm’s washroom.
Trial Advocacy descends into Chaos
A melee nearly erupted in last week’s Trial Advocacy class as students and faculty nearly came to blows when it was revealed that a “contact gunshot wound” does not require any actual contact between gun and body.
The issue arose in the context of a mock life insurance case. Counsel to the plaintiff argued that it was unfair that the post-mortem report, on which the defendant insurer relied to deny coverage, indicated that the deceased had shot himself while pressing a loaded gun to his face.
Seeing that the plaintiff had a losing case, faculty revealed that “contact” really just means “pretty close”. Counsel for the defendant “graciously” accepted this eleventh-hour change, on the condition that the plaintiff only be “pretty insured”.
Physicists Fuming over New Definition of “Contact”
Physicists are fuming over the new definition of “contact” which has threatened to undermine classical mechanics. The physicists warned that the new definition would render nonsense important scientific concepts such as “measurement and bridges.”
In retaliation, the physicists have adopted the legal definition of “theory”—revoking scientific stalwarts such as the theory of gravity and theory of evolution.
Faculty Brings back Doggy Days to Sniff Out Dissent
Doggy Days are back! On November 20, student and faculty doggo devotees descended on the law school with their canine companions. Their aim was to spread cheer and sniff out dissent among the student body.
It is no secret that students have been increasingly critical of the Faculty over tuition costs and exam oversight. In an effort to identify dissidents, the Faculty has assembled a canine intelligence unit. This elite unit includes faculty dogs as well as student collaborators.
The controversial program remains shrouded in a haze of mystery and dog breath, with many students left wondering: who is a good boy?
Divisional Court Strikes down Follies “Opt-In” Ticket Pricing
Students are furious after the Divisional Court struck down Follies’ “Student-Pricing Initiative” that allowed students to opt-out of the ticket price.
“Allowing students to opt-out of paying for Follies’ tickets furthered the objective of making law school accessible by lowering costs,” said one student with a maxed-out line of credit. “Students should be free to pay full price for Follies’ tickets or free to pay nothing and get a ticket anyways.”
The directors insisted the Student-Pricing Initiative was a scrapped sketch idea that no one in their right mind could have taken seriously. However, the directors did sheepishly admit that faculty members were able to attend free of charge. Although, when pressed, the directors were unsure why any of them would.
