Ultra Vires


Advice Column: The Sauciest Intruder

In this inaugural edition of “The Sauciest Intruder:” finding love in a Zoom world

It’s been a minute since Ultra Vires had an advice column and let’s be honest, we could all use some help in this chaotic world we live in. The Sauciest Intruder is here to answer all of your questions about life, love (ooOOoohh), and the law. 

Note: The Sauciest Intruder is not responsible for any of the consequences that may result from following their advice. #lovenotliability

I received 50 different summer job offers and I don’t know how to choose! Do you have any advice? 


Big into BigLaw 

Dearest Big into BigLaw,

No, I will not help you.

Come back when you have a real problem.

I have a crush on this person in my torts class, but this whole “lockdown” situation has made it quite difficult to talk to them. Do you have any advice? 


In Love and Locked Down 🙁 

Dear In Love and Locked Down,

Have no fear! The Sauciest Intruder has your back. 

First, I would like to add a disclaimer to the following advice (one must always protect themselves from liability): full disclosure, I have never asked someone out over Zoom, never slid into anyone’s Zoom DMs, and I have gone on a total of 1 Zoom date. Now with that out of the way, let’s proceed to the advice! 

For starters, we know that everyone loves a smarty-pants so be sure to ask the most detailed hypotheticals in every class, preferably right before class ends. This will definitely impress your crush and leave them admiring your big brain. Next, if your crush has their camera on in class, analyze every aspect of their background to find something you might have in common. Do they have a contracts textbook on their shelf? Are you also in contracts? If so, then bingo! You can chat about your mutual love for tenders and consideration. Perhaps they have a pet that tends to interrupt their class? Do you enjoy pets or animals? Bingo again! Do they have a bookshelf behind them? If so, try to read the titles to see if there’s anything you know and you can blow them away with a very astute literary analysis. Use a magnifying class if the titles are too small, although I DO NOT recommend doing this with your camera on (take it from me, it comes across as a tad strange). 

Now, this next step is very important. What does your own background look like? Are you a “blank wall” type of person or more along the lines of “impressive bookshelf filled with carefully curated ‘intellectual’ titles?” What does your background say about you? This is an all important question; it can be the dealbreaker for your Zoom romance. If you have a mountain of dirty laundry behind you with a half-eaten slice of pizza on the summit then maybe you should consider cleaning up a bit or at least moving the pile off-camera. 

May you find love in a hopeless place.

I took your advice and came up with the most complicated hypotheticals. I also scoured my crush’s background for something we had in common. I noticed they have a framed picture of a fox on their wall, so I told them all about my love for Pierson v Post. And it worked! We’ve been chatting every class since. I think I’m ready to take the next step and ask them out on a date (yikes!), but I’m pretty nervous. 

Do you have any more advice? 


In Love and Locked Down 🙁 (Part 2)

Dear In Love and Locked Down (again),

I believe this situation calls for “the Zoom-posal.” That’s right, everyone loves a grand romantic gesture, and what better way to ask someone out than through a very public, very extravagant proposal. At the start of class, add a virtual background with the words “[INSERT NAME], will you go out with me?” Feel free to use my example:

If all goes well, they’ll respond with “Yes” or “heart” react, and you’ll be all set to begin your romantic journey! If, on the rare chance, the Zoomposal doesn’t work, there is one last thing you can try. Send that special someone an HH-quality outline; it’s the closest thing to saying “I love you” in law school. If it ends up not working out after all that, at least you’ll always share Pierson v Post

Stay saucy.

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