It’s a zoo out there
Ultra Vires has been investigating recent reports of strange animal sightings at the law school. After weeks of careful observation, our intrepid explorers and amateur zoologists discovered a veritable zoo! With patience, this guide, and a good pair of binoculars, you too can spot these miracles of nature:
1. Rats
Probably the most common animal at the law school, rats are perpetually scavenging for leftover food and snacks in the building. They probably haven’t done groceries in weeks and subsist entirely on a diet of hot coffee, cold pizza, and unlabeled sandwiches—anything left unattended in the atrium that they can get their grubby little paws on. Shameless opportunists by nature, they’ll sign up for any workshop that promises free lunch. But more often, you’ll spot them hovering by the Moot Court Room around 2pm, trying to see if that well-funded club overestimated how many people would show up for their drop-in snack ‘n chat session. (Disclaimer: This author is very much a rat.)
2. Fish
It’s common knowledge that fish can’t survive out of the water, and law school fish are no exception. Find them hitting the books in the Fishbowl at all hours of the day (and night!), even on Fridays and weekends. Goldfish may only have a three-second memory, but these fish are fighting the odds to retain what they know—at least until the end of exam season. Viewed from above, they can almost appear meditative as they turn textbook pages and tap-tap-tap away on their computers to “just keep swimming.” But are the Fishbowl’s peaceful waters keeping them alive, or are they drowning in cases they have yet to brief?
3. Lovebirds
Lovebirds are always found in pairs, and a chance sighting of these dear friends will surely warm your heart. These birds of a feather have been flocking together ever since their eyes first met one balmy August afternoon on the grassy fields of the back lawn. Lunch mates, study buddies, moot partners—where one bird goes, the other is never far behind. But when they start making eyes at each other, watch out! You don’t want to be in that study room when one of them finally makes their move. Can you really fault them for trying to find a connection in the cold, cold halls of the Jackman Law Building?
4. Puppies
Every year, a fresh batch of these adorable animals show up at the law school, full of energy and optimism. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, the world is their playground! Still enjoying the halcyon days of their youth, they’re immune to the usual dark circles and chronic back pain that plague their elders. They love to hang out in groups whether they’re catching rays in the Rowell Room or lounging around in the atrium. No need to look for them—they’ll probably catch you on your way to the library, interrupting your sleep-deprived zombie shuffle to ask a dozen questions you don’t have the energy to answer. Nevertheless, give them just the tiniest crumb of affirmation, and you’ll have made a loyal friend for life.
5. SNAILS
A controversial inclusion in the law school animal kingdom, SNAILS (students not actually in law school) are undoubtedly an invasive species. While these little pests may be difficult to identify at first, closer inspection reveals that something slimy is in the building. Baby SNAILS are identifiable by their awe at the high-ceilinged atrium and their glee at finding free coffee and tea. More experienced SNAILS will beeline to a pre-booked study room, pull out a biology textbook, and insist that paying U of T about a third of what law students pay should give them equal rights to use the space. However, despite the name, SNAILS quickly crawl away in the face of danger, leaving you with nothing but a sense of indignation—and quite a bit of ick.
Best of luck on your safari adventures!
