Spokesperson claims it’s not discrimination, it’s safety
Despite what the beloved ‘90s sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond would have you think, it seems there is some love lost between individuals with the name Raymond and the Ultra Vires (UV) Masthead. Indeed, despite being the 330th most popular name in 2021, there is not a single person on the UV team with the name Raymond.
We contacted UV asking about this lack of Raymond representation and initially were given excuses: “that’s not a very common name statistically,” and “no one named Raymond applied, so we couldn’t hire them.”
Despite how convenient or “truthful” these excuses sound, we investigated further, and eventually one spokesperson caved under the pressure of potentially facing a trillion-dollar discrimination suit. The anonymous spokesperson said, “The real reason we don’t hire anyone with the name Raymond is if they join the team, they’ll become known as ‘Ultra Vires Ray’ aka ‘UV Ray.’”
They went on to elaborate: “UV Ray exposure is a known cause of skin cancer and increases the risk of potentially blinding eye diseases, so we need to protect our classmates and faculty.” The science is inconclusive on how much an individual known as “UV Ray” roaming the halls of the law school would increase everyone’s risk levels, but everyone hates sunburns, so better safe than sorry.
The spokesperson also hinted that given the incredible pressure UV has faced from the public on this issue, they will be reviewing the policy for the 2023–24 school year. Potential solutions involve having people with the name insist on being called “UV Raymond” and never “UV Ray,” encouraging them to apply with their middle names, or having them adopt an alternative spelling of the name like “Rae.”
While we impatiently await the proposed solution to this travesty, the good news is that you don’t need to stockpile that sunscreen just yet. Preliminary results indicate that merely handling a copy of UV, while technically can be termed as “UV exposure,” does not increase any risks to your health.
