Totally real news from a creepy crawly law school
Admin to schedule classes on all future statutory holidays
After not hearing a single negative critique of this term’s January 2 start date for 1Ls and intensive courses, admin will be eliminating statutory holidays for the rest of the semester. An email from the Faculty stated, “Statutory holidays reflect society’s decision to set time aside for celebrating special occasions, and what could be more special than school?” In addition to regularly scheduled classes, stat holidays will also be used for extra catch-up classes, cold-calling sessions (with a 10 percent participation grade), and mandatory EDI workshops.
It’s a bug’s life
Step aside, SNAILS, the insects are in town. While students were away on winter break, bugs of all shapes and sizes have taken up residence in Flavelle House. They’ve made themselves at home in classrooms, hallways, and locker bays, and they’re not hesitating to introduce themselves to their newly returned human neighbours. Spotted: several spiders, huge fruit flies, and what we really hope weren’t cockroaches. Someone call the exterminator!
Horrified students learn time really is relative
Einstein was right! Even though most students don’t have a STEM background, all students were shocked to discover that the rate at which time passes completely depends on their frame of reference. Dazed students reported that the period before the written work deadline simultaneously dragged on forever (“I don’t remember anything from September to November.”) and was not nearly long enough (“I can’t watch 12 weeks of video lectures in 48 hours before the exam!”). Meanwhile, December 19 to January 1 passed in the blink of an eye. What kind of cosmic joke is that?
Not relative enough though
Despite time passing by at alarming new rates, 1Ls were still caught in the middle of their 1L recruit applications with their metaphorical dress pants down. Many firms have delayed their deadlines in anticipation of grades coming out later than usual. Surprise, the theory of relativity hits again! It doesn’t matter how long you delay the deadline, the grades still won’t come out in time. Haven’t you heard of the transcript paradox?
Guest columnist: ChatGPT
Prompt: Write a 100-word satirical news article blurb for the University of Toronto Faculty of Law.
In a shocking turn of events, the University of Toronto Faculty of Law has announced that they will now be offering a new course on “How to Legally Defend the Indefensible.” The course, taught by prominent legal scholars, will focus on teaching students the art of manipulating language and using legal loopholes to defend clients who have committed heinous crimes. “We’re just giving our students a competitive edge,” said the Dean of the Faculty of Law. “After all, in the real world, everyone deserves a fair defense—even murderers.” The course has been met with widespread condemnation, but the Faculty remains unrepentant and plans to continue offering the controversial class.*
*This text was generated by GPT-3, OpenAI’s large-scale language-generation model.
Editor’s Note: The joke’s on you, ChatGPT! We don’t need a course for this when U of T already prepares us to work in Big Law!
