Totally real news from a bleakly wintery Faculty of Law
March Madness as children overrun the law school
Students were surprised to find youngsters all over the law school in mid-March, chatting in the Atrium with far too much youthful energy and optimism to be true law students. Upon seeing this new type of SNAIL, students expressed bewilderment and shock until someone pointed out the Youth Summer Program banner on display. Apparently, these high schoolers elected to squander their March Break in the basement of Jackman Hall, “preparing” for a DISTANT future in med school or law school. For current law students, why on earth they would do so remains a mystery.
Viva Laws Vegas—Jackpot!
The gambling is over, and the results are in. Ding ding ding! We’re all winners! Students enjoyed a night of no-stakes blackjack, roulette, poker, and slots at Old Mill Hotel, as well as food, drinks, and dancing. Adding to the James Bond mood, many students adopted a brand new look, trading in dark circles and school sweaters for contact lenses and fancy dresses, becoming nearly unrecognizable in the process. Was that a future justice I just saw throwing up outside?
…First rule of Bar Fight Club?
We don’t talk about Fight Club. Second rule, we do not talk about Fight Club. But if we were to, bets would definitely not be on a Supreme Court justice over a random drunk guy in Arizona.
Folly of Law Follies
Recently, students have been afraid of a vengeful spirit haunting the halls of Jackman. 1Ls who stay until the library closes reported that there’s been an eerie noise coming from the stacks late at night. Sounds of wailing and sobbing of a spirit long forgotten among the old books can be heard among the basement bookshelves. Legend has it that this ghost can only be put to rest by adding their name to the credits of the sketch comedy they starred in many, many years ago. The trouble is, their name has been lost to the sands of time. If you listen carefully, you may be able to decipher the faint cries whispering something that sounds like justin… kimmm…
Spring Awakening of Long Lost Students
After a long winter of hibernation, reports say sleepy students are finally waking from their long slumber. After months of non-attendance in classrooms or being reported missing, rumour has it these stragglers are slowly returning to school. It is currently unclear whether this is due to the anticipation of the free snacks provided during the exam period, or in anticipation of the riot that will ensue should the snacks not be provided.
Summer Brrrrrrreak
After a brief reappearance at school for exam snacks, students are already planning their next escape. Anywhere with warmer weather. Anywhere but here, really. Set us free!!!!
Cholera Medicine Anyone?
If anyone is in need of cholera medicine this summer break, have no fear! A box of the stuff has been sitting in the basement student lounge fridge since at least 2020. Whose is it? Who put it there? Is it still good? Who’s to say?
