An introduction to all of the squirrels who live on campus
Author’s Note: As the squirrels do not speak English (as far as I know—if they do, they’re keeping their secrets), all of this information has been gleaned through the rigorous “vibe check” and “I feel it in my bones” methods.
Another academic year begins at the University of Toronto Faculty of Law—for both students and faculty, as well as the squirrels. These furry creatures have spent another summer finding and eating plentiful feasts along Philosopher’s Walk, abandoned by the sticky camp groups who tour the ROM.
But the squirrels can no longer rely on the leftovers of others. While they must now go back to fighting for themselves, the squirrels are not alone in their renewed hunt for sustenance. With Cognomos issues, the continued closure of Goodmans Cafe, and a “dried up” supply of free coffee, U of T Law students are as deep in the trenches as the squirrels.
Given the common interests between the two parties (read: trying to survive our time at the Faculty), it seems only natural to formally introduce the scurry—the term used for a group of squirrels—to the student body.
Ken
Meet Ken, our resident one and only blond boy. Don’t let his name fool you though, Ken is no himbo. He is a squirrel on a mission. Before coming to the Faculty, Ken spent his time in California, where his job was Beach and gathering nuts and fruits. It seems as though Ken never outgrew the blond, frosted tip look of the early 2000s.
Now that Ken has arrived in Canada, his goal is to convert as many Canadian squirrels as possible to his blond ways. Believing that “blonds have more fun,” Ken thinks every squirrel should at least have blond tips, if not be entirely blond. He blamed his failure to convert other squirrels on their lack of education, leading him to seek out the smartest squirrels he could imagine: U of T squirrels. If anyone will see the sense in frosted tips, it’s them.
Thomas Acornhunter III
Thomas, one of our two black squirrels and better known by his buddies simply as “Third,” was born into the squirrel aristocracy. But Third wanted something more, leaving his life in the suburbs with the hope of making a name for himself in the city. He’ll never admit it, but he misses his family terribly and thinks often about returning home. Had he not met Rosie, he might have never been able to withstand the cruelty of Toronto’s streets. Torontonians just don’t let squirrels cross the road the way suburbians do.
Third left behind his large family of brothers and sisters, none of whom have ever seen the big city. He spends his afternoons lounging around in trees, wondering what the various Acornhunter siblings would think of this new place he calls home.
Rosie Acornhunter III
Rosie was not born Rosie Acornhunter III. She was just born “Rosie,” and lived her whole life at the Faculty. Her mother, a black squirrel who looks almost identical to Rosie herself, once saw Justice Rosalie Silberman Abella at the Faculty, and was inspired to name her daughter after such an amazing woman. Sadly, Rosie’s mother was hit by a car, leaving Rosie all alone until Third found her and took her under his wing. She decided to take his last name, and Third didn’t have the heart to tell her no when she asked to add the “III.”
Oldie
Named after the fictional character, Old Deuteronomy, Oldie is the Faculty squirrel mom. But she is no regular squirrel mom. She is a cool squirrel mom. Oldie has been with the Faculty for a while, and she is not impressed with the new squirrel turnover. “Really?” she said to me (with her eyes, of course). “Blond squirrels?”
Still, though, Oldie loves her scurry more than anything in this world, and she is fiercely protective of any squirrel that lives under her protection—blond ones included. She believes that all squirrels have the right to an education, which is why she decided to form a scurry at the Faculty. Who better to educate squirrels than a group of law students?
Sebastian
When Sebastian first arrived at the Faculty, Oldie assumed he was Third after failing an attempt to go blond. She called an emergency scurry meeting and had Sebastian’s hands bound behind his back when Third walked in.
“Woah! Who’s he, and what’d he do?” Third asked.
Upon realizing her mistake, Oldie and the other Faculty squirrels were able to laugh it off (though the whole interaction has left Ken slightly suspicious of how Oldie really feels about him) and welcomed Sebastian into the scurry. A lover of golf, cheese, and most of all, classical music, Sebastian was more than happy to be situated right next to the Faculty of Music. Sebastian spends his days listening to the music students practice and lounging around Philosopher’s Walk.
If you see any members of the campus scurry, please treat them with kindness! Squirrels are sweet, curious creatures (with a lot more drama going on than you could ever know), and they deserve nothing but respect and adoration.
