Back with more intrusions
While you and your situationship may have ended with summer coming to a close, the good news is that I’m back. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Saucy. I’m the ultimate gossip columnist for law students, lawyers, and the victims of these two groups. From what I’ve heard, your summers have been filled with endless flings, office romances, and friendship breakups, blessing me with so much content. But just because hot girl (or boy) academia has begun, doesn’t mean that the tea is getting cold—it’s only just brewing.
Dear Saucy,
I know that it’s only the first month of school, but I think I found my soulmate! The only problem is that he’s in my small group. I’ve been dying to confess my love for him, but the upper-years keep telling me it’s a “bad idea” to pursue a classmate. Am I wrong for my love? We even had a conversation last week! Not only do I get to see him all the time, but when else will I get a chance to become a power couple—we could even buy a house in Rosedale with his family’s money!
Love,
The Future Mrs.
Hello The Future Mrs.,
When you say that you had a conversation last week, does that mean you have only had one conversation? I would urge you to exercise caution. Imagine you break up, or worse, he rejects you, and the whole school finds out.
Might I suggest looking to Osgoode or Western, or even heading to the streets of the financial district to look for your next target?
Next time, maybe wait until your second conversation before considering a love confession.
Yours (please don’t take this literally),
Saucy
Dear Saucy,
I’m in Dubber’s small group, and I can’t stay focused. I applied to law school, wanting to become a Crown, and I’m worried that I won’t know criminal law well enough to accomplish that. How can I start paying attention in crim so that my dreams don’t slip by me?
Sincerely,
Distressed Dubberite
Dear Distressed,
If the wisdom of those who came before you could help you here, I’d gladly lay it out, but the first concession you must make is that you’re screwed. Nonetheless, here are Saucy’s three tips for surviving crim with Dubber:
- Bring baseballs to class. Feel your attention slipping? Pitch a ball right when he pulls his infamous batting move, and see if that pulls you awake. He’ll love you for it, and you’ll definitely be more alert. Sounds like a homerun in my books!
- Switch career prospects. You know what they say about Crown attorneys who went to U of T—there aren’t any! It’s never too early to start becoming enamoured with the hollow, steel and glass heart of the corporate world.
- Complain to the faculty. It didn’t work for the students last year, but who said any of these tips would help? I already answered your question in the first sentence: you’re screwed.
Condolences,
Saucy
Saucy,
I got super drunk at the Maddy, and I don’t remember anything. I think it’s because I mixed my 4 coolers, 3 beers, and 5 shots. I’m scared I did something crazy and that everybody knows.
Help!
Tipsee
Dear Tipsee,
No advice needed! What happens at Call to the Bar stays at Call to the Bar. You’re right, by the way—it’s the mixing.
Let loose!
Dear Saucy,
With the deadline for tuition coming at me faster than anticipated, I’ve had to review my finances, and it’s not looking great. My rent, my groceries, my cat’s groceries—all of it is coming to be too much. Plus, no place will hire me with my class schedule. Any tips on alternate streams of income?
Thanks,
Penny Pintcher
Dear Penny,
Why take yourself to the job when you can make the job come to you? The hushed chatter before and after assignment due dates, the downturned heads in the library weeks before exams, the butter-thick tension during recruit—you call it anxiety, but an entrepreneur would call it opportunity!
P-or-not palm readings, did-the-right-Terima-barista-make-my-matcha Tarot, hey, maybe you could even get a crystal ball to help out Tipsee! For you, I’m seeing paywalls, I’m seeing subscription services, and hopefully a no liability clause. Ask not what the superstitions of your cohort will do to you, but what you can do with your cohort’s superstitions.
All the best!
Saucy
Hi Intruder,
I’m a 1L who didn’t know anyone starting law school with me. I thought I hit it off with someone over legal methods; we talked enough that I thought we were friends. But, as soon as classes started, the vibe shifted. They don’t talk to me, and it’s like we never knew each other.
Am I imagining it? Do I approach them? What happened once school started?
— Allon Mylone Som
Hi Allon,
Are you sure you were really friends? It might just be a sign for the better. And if you were—well, this experience will only make you stronger. Making friends coming into law school isn’t always easy (not that I would know, I’m the epitome of popularity), but you will find your people eventually! (hopefully before 3L). Or you can just harness the vibe. Aura-farm. Be the mysterious person in the back. Allure them back to you.
Harness the power of friendship loneliness!
Hey Saucy,
This past summer, I worked with a fellow student, and I have to confess. I can’t stand them! They talked big, but definitely weren’t a team player in any sense. The thought of having to article together for an entire year makes me light-headed. I don’t know how I’ll survive!
Anxious Regards,
Doomed Articler
Dear Doomed,
First of all, I am truly sorry for your pain. Not all of us manage to hit the coworker bestie/work wife jackpot, and I know it’s not easy being surrounded by idiots.
As much as I wish we could all resort to sabotage and revenge, I will not recommend doing so (totally not for legal reasons). Instead, I recommend rising above. Use your competence to show their incompetence, your drive to show their lack thereof, your personability to show their impersonability. Channel your hatred into drive. And if that doesn’t work, rally up the rest of the students to stage an ostracism.
Never back down—never give up!