Keeping the library pest-free
As I currently sit in the fishbowl, trying my best to do my readings, all I hear are snickers, yapping, and disgusting conversations about undergrad courses. Today, I want to introduce to the new 1Ls what we as a law school collectively hate the most—after ourselves of course—a S.N.A.I.L. Commonly called a SNAIL, the term is an abbreviation for Students Not Actually In Law School. As your glorious 2L overlord, I will teach you the most important lesson you will have in your three years of law school: how to identify a SNAIL.
While these factors are not exhaustive, they should serve as a good indicator for making a determination of whether an individual or group of people are SNAILS. What will I do with the knowledge that someone is a SNAIL, you ask? Well, during exam season, the fishbowl is restricted to only law students. Therefore, you may want to power-trip over being a law student by politely asking the SNAILS to go kick rocks elsewhere.
Factors to Consider in the SNAIL Test. (SCC approved-ish)
- Check their backpacks
SNAILS will often have backpacks that have random writing on them like “Rotman,” or worse “Medical.”
- Review what they have on the tables
An easy sign to know someone is a SNAIL is if they have the following things laid out on the table that are not typical for law students, such as a calculator or books with big numbers in them.
- Look at their faces
If they look happy? Straight to Jail. If they look like they enjoy life? Straight to Jail. If they even moderately look like they have any optimism for the future in their eyes? Straight to Jail. Worst of all, if they look well-rested, are put-together, and have a smile on their face? STRAIGHT TO JAIL. NO DUE PROCESS!
- Check who they are sitting with
If the person is sitting next to a person and they keep smiling at each other and flirting? They are SNAILS. How do you know, you ask? Law students know better than to intermingle with each other. It’s practically INCEST.
- Just look at them
SNAILS literally look like they were born yesterday. They have no eye-bags and exude a disgusting and vile aura of youthfulness that law students simply cannot replicate.
- What are they wearing
SNAILS often will wear merchandise that is non-law school branded. As we know, law students are all narcissists and self-absorbed and only wear law school merch. SNAILS will have merch that have the following words on them: Faculty of Kinesiology, Faculty of Medicine, Faculty of Dentistry, etc. Be on the look-out.
- Feel their aura
SNAILS often give off an aura of timid energy as they understand they are somewhere they’re not supposed to be. Imagine how a thief would act when stealing. That is how SNAILS behave.
- What are they saying
SNAILS have no respect for the sacred space the fishbowl is to us law students. They will often eat, chat, and laugh in the holy space. Be careful with this advice though, as 2Ls and 3Ls who have already given up on life will often be seen eating, chatting, and laughing in the fishbowl, desecrating our sacred shared space.
If you have completed the SNAIL test and have identified a disgusting, vile, filthy, loud, food-eating, chat-yapping, mess-creating, sacred-space-defiling, youth-exuding, reconsideration-of-my-career-causing SNAIL in our library, please contact your local pest elimination service and ask for the SNAIL removal specialist. (There’s a discount code for U of T Law students: IHATESNAILS4EVER).