Dr. Valencia has a PhD in Relationship Studies from the University of Rangoon. He has been given the annual Dr. Ruth prize for achievement in relationship counselling seven times in his six year career. He is recently divorced.
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Dear Dr V,
My law school boyfriend and my non-law school boyfriend are both expecting to spend valentine’s day with me!! You’ve been known to have as many as 70 women (/men) on the go at once- how do you do it?
-Wannabe Playa
Hi Wannabe,
That is a tough scenario you’ve got there, but certainly not insurmountable. While there are a few approaches, one is the most effective and has two variations. It is called the Taco Time Double. I must warn you, it may not be the most savory of approaches as you’ll need to fake having extreme diarrhea, and as my father Don Julio once said, “Nothing kills the romance like feces.” It starts with a simple text message to your sweeties on the afternoon of the 14th, “Hey love. At Taco Time now. Can’t stop thinking about tonight. “ This is the foundation for the work to come.
Next you need to figure out whether you want to hook up with both or only one of your dates. If only one, your task is considerably easier. You simply make your reservation for the soon-to-be-ditched date at 7:00, and 9:15 at a restaurant on the other side of town for the one you’ll be spending the night with. You show up to the first reservation bright-eyed and bushy tailed, bringing your best to make sure you can secure later nights out. However, right before your main course comes, suck your gut in hard while simultaneously doubling over letting out an “ooohhhhh”. Make eye-contact across the table with the clear expression of a pending gastro-intestinal mushroom-cloud. Then immediately bolt to the nearest shitter.
Upon arrival at the john, text the 9:15 date sweet nothings. Splash water on your face and the rim of your hairline and return to the table.
Once back to your table, try and nibble on the food, but don’t eat. You’ll need space in your belly for a full meal at 9:15 and don’t want to be in a food coma when the time comes to bring your best George Michael. After the meal, repeat process, but this time call a cab, and on your way back to the table leave the waiter some cash or one of your cards. Give a quick “sorry babe, I gotta run. Goddamn Taco Time. Love you, call you soon,” and bounce. Head to the 9:15 date across town.
Once at the 9:15 date, you just play it cool, and hope you don’t get busted. So take a table at the back of the restaurant with your back to the door.
If you want to try for both, you’ll need two hotel rooms on the opposite side of the same floor, and simultaneous reservations at restaurants next to each other. It will take a considerable amount of juggling, as instead of running to the bathroom, you’ll be running to the other restaurant or hotel room all night while pretending to be hitting the head. Thus you’ll need significant others with extreme patience and a willingness to fuck a partner that may very well erupt. Ironically, it is very difficult to actually find bathroom time while running this type of operation, so bring an empty flask.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out!
Best,
Dr. V
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Dear Dr V,
I hate Valentine’s Day. What can I do on February 14 to make sure I don’t run into any obnoxious happy couples sucking face?
-Forever Alone
Dear Alone,
The answer to your problem is super easy. You need to go to the Eaton Center that afternoon, and expose yourself to the customers at Williams & Sonoma. You’ll certainly spend the night in jail. However, instead of avoiding happy couples sucking face, you’ll be forced into ass-to-mouth with one of your own kind, which can be cool if you’re open to it. Just to be clear however, it’ll be your ass and your mouth.
Good luck with that,
Dr. V
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Dr V,
The girl I’ve been seeing says she’s got something ‘special’ planned for vday… you know what that means. Only thing is that I haven’t really gotten around much. As in, the most I’ve done with a condom is put it on a banana. Do I tell her she’s my first, or just go for it and hope I’m naturally skilled?
-V for Virgin
Hi V for Virgin,
I must start by saying that I’m a bit confused by your banana comment. I also have only put a condom on a banana, as I’m pretty sure that is the only legitimate purpose for condoms – freshness.
Listen, some of the best advice I’ve received over the years came from a fella in my Ma’s whorehouse, who was telling me about a knife fight with a circus bear in Istanbul he was in in the mid 1960’s. This guy was not someone you’d expect to win a knife fight with a bear. He said, “Act like you’ve been there before son, and chances are, you’ll perform like a seasoned veteran.” He then boned my mom.
That gringo’s advice is as pertinent now as it was then. Turns out, it was his first time too, and while tackling mi madre was slightly less daunting as wrestling a bear, he performed like Peter North.
So come out swinging kid, and if you go down early, dust your shoulders off (wipe her belly off) and go back in like it was all part of the plan.
You can always just watch some porn as a primer, cause we all know that what happens in San Fernando Valley studios is exactly like it goes down in Southern Ontario bedrooms.
Make Daddy proud,
Dr. V
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Dear Dr.V,
In light of upcoming Valentine’s day, where is the best place to have sex in the library?
– Curious Cupid
Hi Curious Cupid,
I’d say the Law Review office, but by the lack of publications over the last three years, it seems like nothing gets done in that office! But in all seriousness, it’s the room right next to that with the copy machine. Just make sure you lock the door, kill the lights, and bump uglies on the ground right in front of the door so you’re out of the range of any passerby’s gaze.
Have fun,
Dr. V
