Ultra Vires

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Excerpts from Law School: The Porno Screenplay

Scene 1: Financial Aid Office

[Student approaches Intern at Financial Aid Office front desk.]

S:        Excuse me, sir. Are you in charge of financial aid?

I:          I’m the new intern. How can I assist you?

S:        I have a problem. I got a smaller bursary than last year, and now I just don’t know if I can handle such a big, hard line of credit with such a tiny little bursary.

I:          I understand – not everyone can handle such a massive debt load.

S:        Is there anything you can do?

I:          Well, maybe I can set you up with our back-end debt relief program.

S:        What’s that?

I:          It’s for students with small bursaries who have taken big loads on the front-end, and just can’t take anymore. With our program you’ll find it much easier to deal with a giant load from the back-end.

S:        Mmmm, sounds wonderful. Can you show me how it works… in the back end?

[CENSORED]

 

Scene 2: Doggy Day in Rowell Room:

[Two students in Rowell room surrounded by dogs]

S1:      I’m feeling really stressed.
S2:      Well, it is… Doggy Day.
S1:      You mean if I just stroke this little guy I’ll feel better?

[Student 1 begins stroking.]
S2:      Ooooo, I like watching you stroke it.
S1:      It feels so soft and so good.
S2:      Can I try now?
S1:      Yeaaah. Yeah, just like that.
S2:      What if I stroke yours and you stroke mine?

[CENSORED]

 

Scene 3: Bora’s Head:

[Two students standing near bust outside library]
S1:      Nice bust.
S2:      Yeah, it curves in all the right places.
S1:      Can I… touch it?
S2:      Sure, just be gentle.
[Student 1 gentle brushes hand across bust.]
S1:      It’s so firm, and with such prominent features.
S2:      It’s magnificent, but I can show you a better … [winks] … head.

[CENSORED]

Scene 4: UV Office in the basement of Falconer:

[UV Editor with another law student]

UV:      See the new table?
S:        Uh, yeah, I see the table.
UV:      Pretty rad, huh? It’s custom-made.
S:        Wow. Cool.
UV:      So, like, did you read my diversions article in the last issue?
S:        Sure did. [Checks phone, pretends there are messages there.]
UV:      Yeah… we used to have a couch down here. You know… to get dowwwwn. [Winks at student.]
S:        Oh, yeah? That’s crazy. You UV editors are sooo wild. [Continues to look at phone.]
UV:      So, like, you and I could, like…
S:        Yeah, that’s not happening.
UV:      Oh.
S:        That was never a thing that could possibly happen.

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