The third in a series
TORTS: Anselm, a 63-year old specialist in cheese-husbandry, danced down the steps of his house on the morning of March 19, determined to spend the day punching Bartholomew, a black bear, in the gut. “Nothing will stop me from checking this bear-punching off my to-do list!” he called to his disinterested neighbour, Drusilla, who rolled her eyes and continued to peruse the recruitment website for the CIA. The moment Anselm’s feet hit the pavement in front of his house, a meteor fell from the sky and killed him instantly.
Undeterred, after only a couple of hours lying dead on the pavement, Anselm brushed himself off and called out, “I am off to punch Bartholomew!” to Drusilla, but Drusilla was no longer on her porch. Drusilla had left the moment the meteor hit: she had plans to get drunk with Bartholomew at the town dump.
When Anselm arrived at the dump, Bartholomew was waiting for him. Bartholomew was still reeling from the moonshine he and Drusilla had shared. Also, he is a bear, and they always look slightly drunk. Being dead, Anselm was unsure how to proceed. He readied his fists, and Bartholomew ate him.
Clara was passing the dump in her car when she witnessed Anselm’s legs disappearing into Bartholomew’s mouth. She has not been able to sleep since: she claims that the thought of Bartholomew’s poor tummy trying to digest Anselm’s unfortunate footwear choice was keeping her awake and causing her to lose clients in her job as a person who is not always awake.
Advise the meteor. You may assume that the meteor was directed by the CIA, although this fact will only come to light in fifty years. Ignore the possibility of Clara and Bartholomew having a “fiduciary” relationship.
