The fourth in a series
Question 4 (CRIMINAL): Agamemnon and Burt are crack dealers, and they are not very bright. Everyone knows that dealers should never be users—everyone but Agamemnon and Burt. Together, they routinely use up most of their supply, which makes them unpopular with their suppliers and even less popular with their neighbours. When they make feeble attempts to push the product on passing teenagers, the teens usually respond with retorts like “Yeah, I can see that crack has worked wonders for you,” and “Haven’t you guys ever seen an episode of The Wire?”
On the afternoon of July 7, Caligula, a respected journalist, approached the pair. He bought an eightball of crack, and, as he was walking away, he heard Burt tell Agamemnon that they were out of needles. Turning back to them, Caligula said, “I have plenty! Here, have one of mine!” and handed them one. Eyeing the broken seal of the packaging, Burt asked, “Are these used?” to which Caligula replied, “Nope! Fresh as anything. You can both use it!” Agamemnon and Burt looked at each other, shrugged, and went ahead, using the needle together.
When Caligula returned to the office, he went to the water-cooler and told his colleague, Dracula, that he had just given the drug dealers an infected needle. “I have Dutch Elm Disease!” he laughed. “Those idiots are going to turn yellow and then their roots will die!” Dracula laughed along with him, and the two of them went to the workplace washroom, opened some fresh needles, and enjoyed the eightball while drinking cooled water.
Caligula had planned to meet Ernie (Agamemnon and Burt’s supplier) to interview him for a story that evening. In his crack-haze, he asked Dracula to come along. The two of them met Ernie in a café at 8 pm and watched him conduct a few transactions. They learned that the crack Ernie supplied—the crack they had just taken—was cut heavily with sandwich meat. Dracula recorded the transactions and the interview on a massive multi-track magnetic tape device without asking Ernie’s permission. When Ernie realized he was being recorded, he picked Dracula up by the scruff of the neck and said: “I ought to strangle you with your weird 1940s technology!” Caligula stepped in, and, in a sandwich meat-induced rage, bludgeoned Ernie to death with the water-cooler that he had inexplicably brought along.
Caligula and Dracula have been arrested, and Dracula has a rap-sheet a mile long. His previous convictions go back to the 1970s, including oyster theft, carrying too many coins, fraudulently claiming his syrup was 100% maple, and first-degree murder. Agamemnon and Burt are beginning to wilt, and their bark doesn’t look too good.
Advise Dracula. You can assume that he is carrying a lot of coins and has sticky hands.
