Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 11, 2018
In a last-ditch attempt to fund the donut budget, Ultra Vires has decided to start accepting classifieds for the low, low price of $1 per […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) Including this issue, I’ve written fifty-one articles for UV over the last two years. I just counted them. And I know […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) As part of our final issue of the year, we were planning to feature a number of questionnaires filled out by graduating […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) Law school flies by. One day you’re at O-Week trying to figure out the best way to sneak out before the […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) This semester, for no apparent reason, I started bringing my laptop to class for the first time. To show you how […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) As many of you know, over the past months I have been involved in a lawsuit with the 1Ls. I called […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) This is the last article I’m ever going to write for UV. In less than a month, law school will be […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018
In Part One, we learned that, in early January, in an incident known as “Question Day,” a brawl took place in a U of T […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018
Bone-uh Fee-day You unironically post pictures of yourself in bed on Instagram with the caption “I woke up like this” and think that people actually […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018
BETWEEN: Class of 2020 Plaintiffs and Kevin Schoenfeldt Defendant Statement of Claim TO THE DEFENDANT A LEGAL PROCEEDING HAS BEEN COMMENCED AGAINST YOU by […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018
I think we can all agree on the worst class in 1L. It’s Legal Process, right? Or wait, is it LRW? I’ve spoken to people […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018
Presented by Keener Gadgets Co. It happens to all of us. You’re sitting in class, hand high up in the air, downright aching to ask […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018
Last Thursday was crazy. I had class until six and then I was supposed to have a friend over for dinner. I had promised her […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018
Franklin Crewson is folding his laundry. For Franklin, it’s a nice break from the readings he’s been doing earlier this morning. Yes, even on a […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018
In December, Richard Wagner, German composer of such classic operas as Tristan und Isolde and Götterdämmerung, and also known for his anti-Semitism and the fact […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018
Dear 1Ls, You 1Ls are so nice. “How nice are we?” you yell back, cooperatively. You 1Ls are so nice that you bring extra pizza […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
For those of you who somehow grew up with books that dictated your adventure to you within the strict confines of traditional narrative, a Choose […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
Your mind is racing. What movie will appease them? Think! Just as Brett starts saying, “Get this garbage out of here,” and two shitty baby […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
You consider your response carefully and realize that you could obviously never beat Buster in a battle of strength, so you tell him that you […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
You know that you should say some Zack Snyder movie, but you can’t bring yourself to do it, so you shout the first thing that […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
There’s something about those scratches on the other door that makes you nervous, so you decide to choose the pristine door. But even so, there’s […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
Julie seems to have read your mind, because all of a sudden you are swept up in a tornado of colours and shapes and sounds. […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
Congratulations, you win the award for being the most honest, ethics-y student around. Well done. I bet you’re really happy. YOU HAD THE CHOICE TO […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
There’s just something weird about the pristine door. It seems creepy in a way you can’t really explain. So you decide to open the scratched […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
You shout your answer with confidence. Buster gives you a disappointed look and suddenly the ground drops out from under you and you are falling […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
“An issue on an exam!” you shout with glee. Buster smiles. He runs toward you and hugs you. He is tamed. Julie approaches you, her […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018
“I choose a battle of strength!” you shout defiantly. At that, Buster charges towards you, grabs you with his worm fingers, which are covered in […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtDecember 14, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) Today, a student whom we cannot name has reached out to UV to refuse to confirm or deny whether they have started […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) In If We Had Dreamed Better We Might Not Be in Law School, LegalArts Press presents a collection of poems from […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) If you’re anything like me, the Internet is your best friend. When you have a problem, who do you turn to? […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) There are many things that we students of law accept as truths about law school. Few would argue, for example, against […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) Hips Not Credible Witness, Court Rules In a decision that sent a wave of shocked murmurs throughout the courtroom, a […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) The Follies Exec, led by Adam Ragusa and Elizabeth Creelman, announced this week that they had decided to cancel this year’s […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) “Why don’t you stop hitting yourself? Why don’t you stop hitting yourself? Why don’t you stop hitting yourself?” The words rang […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) Wake up, people. This is not a “Diversion.” [Editor’s note: then why is it in the Diversions section? Wake up, Kevin.] The […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) OCIs are a stressful time for 2Ls. The CDO does a fine job with the basic questions: What do I wear? What […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017
We here at the Ultra Vires Hi-Tech Extremely Scientific Astrology Centre (UVHTESAC) have been running star charts for the past six months, taking into account […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017
In the article “Dean Claims Ghosts Are Stealing His Bagels,” which appeared in the January 2017 edition of Ultra Vires, we incorrectly stated that Dean […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017
On Saturday, March 11, hundreds of U of T Law students gathered together at a venue somewhere for this year’s Law Ball, an extravagant night […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017
All you young punks can keep your Spongebobs and your text messages. If you recognize these eight things, then you know you’re a super-old law […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017
Not a Fan UV fucken sucks. Greg Lochte (1L) Also Not a Fan Being a terrible paper is intra vires Ultra Vires. P.S. That’s the […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017
To: Student Conduct Officer ([email protected]) From: Sarah DeLey ([email protected]) Re: Egregious Student Code of Conduct Violations Dear Mr. Clorkman, I am writing to you today […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2017
Okay, for any of you that follow me on Twitter, you might have seen my #mysteryatUTLaw posts before I had to delete them. Well, now […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2017
John D. Fakeman (17L) [Original] & Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) [Update] Susan Fielder woke up last Thursday morning thinking one thing: “I hope today isn’t a […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2017
For this game, we’ve taken quotations from famous legal cases and put them through Google Translate as many times as it took for them to […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Sarah DeLey @StudentAtLaw25 Jan 20 Hey guys, something really weird just happened in class, but I can’t talk about it right […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) In this column, we provide excerpts from current legal research by leading academics across Canada. Today, we are featuring Professor Sheffield S. […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) UV revisits one of the 1Ls we featured in our September issue, and discover some surprising developments. When I first spoke with […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Picture this: You’re at home getting ready for the end of Orientation Week pub night. You were actually invited to a pre-pub […]
Rabiya MansoorNovember 30, 2016
Rabiya Mansoor (2L) and Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Admin Goes Day Without Student Complaint, Assumes the Worst On November 24, U of T Law’s administration experienced […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) The administration asked us to print this how-to guide for writing law school exams, out of concern that students were ignoring their […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) When we last visited our duo of petulant professors and Queen Gloria, the group was completely split into three factions, but there […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016
Aidan Campbell (2L) and Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Never owned dress clothes before but still need to look sharp for the corporate recruit? We’ve got you […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016
Janine Prongpepper (Alumnus) as told to Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) I’m going to make this short and sweet. My name is Janine Prongpepper and I’ve been […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) and Nick Papageorge (2L) Nick: My pop culture highlight of 2016 was finding out that Bob Dylan had been awarded the Nobel […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 27, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) How does a balding, short, son of the Supreme Court and a Lawyer, dropped in the middle of a thriving spot and […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 27, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) In the name of science, an anonymous student agreed to have a monitoring system installed on their personal computer to record their […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 27, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) When we last heard from our fractious Legal Methods professors, Hugh English had gone rogue, taking a third of the class with […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) and Nick Papageorge (2L) At the end of the Sullivan & Cromwell LLP Summer Break we sat down with the Diamond & […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Every once in a while, law school reminds you that you are essentially a complete, one-hundred percent, total failure. Just a useless […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) After being in law school for over a month now, you’ve probably met many of your fellow 1Ls. You might even be […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) In what legal experts are calling an unprecedented decision, Justice Julianna Bishop released a verdict today convicting her now ex-boyfriend, Mitch Fitchland, […]
Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) You may not know this, but many years ago, Legal Methods was taught not in three sections as it is today, but […]
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