Kevin Schoenfeldt

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Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 11, 2018

Ultra Vires Introduces Classifieds!

In a last-ditch attempt to fund the donut budget, Ultra Vires has decided to start accepting classifieds for the low, low price of $1 per […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018

The Ones That Got Away: Articles I Didn’t Get to Write

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   Including this issue, I’ve written fifty-one articles for UV over the last two years. I just counted them. And I know […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018

Graduating Student Profiles: Fishsticks

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) As part of our final issue of the year, we were planning to feature a number of questionnaires filled out by graduating […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018

Then and Now: A Photo Essay

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   Law school flies by. One day you’re at O-Week trying to figure out the best way to sneak out before the […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018

Lecture Notes

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   This semester, for no apparent reason, I started bringing my laptop to class for the first time. To show you how […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018

I Made a Lot of Mistakes: An Apology to the 1Ls (And Everyone Else)

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   As many of you know, over the past months I have been involved in a lawsuit with the 1Ls. I called […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 28, 2018

Exit Thoughts: Failing Better

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   This is the last article I’m ever going to write for UV. In less than a month, law school will be […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018

Stop Asking Questions Part Two: Start Asking Questions

In Part One, we learned that, in early January, in an incident known as “Question Day,” a brawl took place in a U of T […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018

Tell Us How You Pronounce “Bona Fide” and We’ll Describe Your Flaws with 100% Accuracy

Bone-uh Fee-day You unironically post pictures of yourself in bed on Instagram with the caption “I woke up like this” and think that people actually […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018

1Ls v Kevin Schoenfeldt

BETWEEN: Class of 2020 Plaintiffs and Kevin Schoenfeldt Defendant Statement of Claim   TO THE DEFENDANT A LEGAL PROCEEDING HAS BEEN COMMENCED AGAINST YOU by […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2018

Let’s Fix Legal Process and LRW

I think we can all agree on the worst class in 1L. It’s Legal Process, right? Or wait, is it LRW? I’ve spoken to people […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018

Hypothetical Madlibs™

Presented by Keener Gadgets Co. It happens to all of us. You’re sitting in class, hand high up in the air, downright aching to ask […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018

The Legal Chef: Recipes for the Busy Law Student, Volume 43

Last Thursday was crazy. I had class until six and then I was supposed to have a friend over for dinner. I had promised her […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018

Stop Asking Questions, Part I: How a Group of Intellectually Engaged Students Started the Biggest Brawl in U of T Law History

Franklin Crewson is folding his laundry. For Franklin, it’s a nice break from the readings he’s been doing earlier this morning. Yes, even on a […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018

In Embarrassing Mistake, Prime Minister Trudeau Names Dead Composer Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Canada

In December, Richard Wagner, German composer of such classic operas as Tristan und Isolde and Götterdämmerung, and also known for his anti-Semitism and the fact […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtFebruary 4, 2018

The 1Ls Must Be Stopped: An Open Letter to the 1Ls

Dear 1Ls, You 1Ls are so nice. “How nice are we?” you yell back, cooperatively. You 1Ls are so nice that you bring extra pizza […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Choose Your Own Adventure: The Map to HH Island

For those of you who somehow grew up with books that dictated your adventure to you within the strict confines of traditional narrative, a Choose […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

DC Rules (continued from “Nice Door”)

Your mind is racing. What movie will appease them? Think! Just as Brett starts saying, “Get this garbage out of here,” and two shitty baby […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Brains not Brawn (continued from “Make MRAs Mad”)

You consider your response carefully and realize that you could obviously never beat Buster in a battle of strength, so you tell him that you […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Make MRAs Mad (continued from “Nice Door”)

You know that you should say some Zack Snyder movie, but you can’t bring yourself to do it, so you shout the first thing that […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Nice Door (continued from “Julie”)

There’s something about those scratches on the other door that makes you nervous, so you decide to choose the pristine door. But even so, there’s […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Julie (continued from “Part One”)

Julie seems to have read your mind, because all of a sudden you are swept up in a tornado of colours and shapes and sounds. […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Why Would You Choose That? (continued from “Part One”)

Congratulations, you win the award for being the most honest, ethics-y student around. Well done. I bet you’re really happy. YOU HAD THE CHOICE TO […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Scratched Door (continued from “Julie”)

There’s just something weird about the pristine door. It seems creepy in a way you can’t really explain. So you decide to open the scratched […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Oops (continued from “Brains Not Brawn”)

You shout your answer with confidence. Buster gives you a disappointed look and suddenly the ground drops out from under you and you are falling […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

HH Island (continued from “Brains Not Brawn”)

“An issue on an exam!” you shout with glee. Buster smiles. He runs toward you and hugs you. He is tamed. Julie approaches you, her […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 8, 2018

Strength (continued from “Make MRAs Mad”)

“I choose a battle of strength!” you shout defiantly. At that, Buster charges towards you, grabs you with his worm fingers, which are covered in […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtDecember 14, 2017

Breaking: Student Who Can Neither Confirm Nor Deny That They Have Started A Take-Home Exam Refuses to Comment On Whether Or Not They Think The Exam is “Total Fucking Bullshit”

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) Today, a student whom we cannot name has reached out to UV to refuse to confirm or deny whether they have started […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017

Poetry Review: If We Had Dreamed Better We Might Not Be in Law School

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   In If We Had Dreamed Better We Might Not Be in Law School, LegalArts Press presents a collection of poems from […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017

Ultra Vires Tests Three Law School Life Hacks to See if They Really Work

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   If you’re anything like me, the Internet is your best friend. When you have a problem, who do you turn to? […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017

Can You Take Me Higher: The Case for Raising Tuition

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   There are many things that we students of law accept as truths about law school. Few would argue, for example, against […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 25, 2017

News of the Legal World

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   Hips Not Credible Witness, Court Rules   In a decision that sent a wave of shocked murmurs throughout the courtroom, a […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017

This Year’s Follies Canceled After Anthony Niblett Goes on Leave

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   The Follies Exec, led by Adam Ragusa and Elizabeth Creelman, announced this week that they had decided to cancel this year’s […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017

“Why Don’t You Stop Hitting Yourself?” Asks Woman Who Has Judge Pinned Down On Courthouse Cafeteria Floor

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)   “Why don’t you stop hitting yourself? Why don’t you stop hitting yourself? Why don’t you stop hitting yourself?” The words rang […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017

Ultra Vires Revealed to be a Front for the Donut Marketing Board of Canada

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) Wake up, people. This is not a “Diversion.” [Editor’s note: then why is it in the Diversions section? Wake up, Kevin.] The […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2017

OCI FAQ: The Answers the CDO Won’t Give You

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L) OCIs are a stressful time for 2Ls. The CDO does a fine job with the basic questions: What do I wear? What […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017

Your Legal Career Horoscope

We here at the Ultra Vires Hi-Tech Extremely Scientific Astrology Centre (UVHTESAC) have been running star charts for the past six months, taking into account […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017

Mistakes Were Made: Corrections

In the article “Dean Claims Ghosts Are Stealing His Bagels,” which appeared in the January 2017 edition of Ultra Vires, we incorrectly stated that Dean […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017

It Almost Feels Like I Was There: A Law Ball Review by Someone Who Did Not Attend Law Ball

On Saturday, March 11, hundreds of U of T Law students gathered together at a venue somewhere for this year’s Law Ball, an extravagant night […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017

Eight Things Only Super-Old Law School Kids Will Remember

All you young punks can keep your Spongebobs and your text messages. If you recognize these eight things, then you know you’re a super-old law […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017

Letters to the Editor

Not a Fan UV fucken sucks. Greg Lochte (1L) Also Not a Fan Being a terrible paper is intra vires Ultra Vires. P.S. That’s the […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtApril 1, 2017

Screendropping III: The Mystery Will Be Emailed

To: Student Conduct Officer ([email protected]) From: Sarah DeLey ([email protected]) Re: Egregious Student Code of Conduct Violations Dear Mr. Clorkman, I am writing to you today […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2017

Screendropping II: Facebooking a Mystery

Okay, for any of you that follow me on Twitter, you might have seen my #mysteryatUTLaw posts before I had to delete them. Well, now […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2017

From the Vault, February 2000 Issue: Follies Writer Achieves Every Law Student’s Dream of Being Discovered and Not Actually Having to Practice Law

John D. Fakeman (17L) [Original] & Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) [Update] Susan Fielder woke up last Thursday morning thinking one thing: “I hope today isn’t a […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtMarch 1, 2017

Famous Case Translations Matching Game

For this game, we’ve taken quotations from famous legal cases and put them through Google Translate as many times as it took for them to […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017

Screendropping: Tweeting a Mystery

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L)   Sarah DeLey ‏@StudentAtLaw25  Jan 20 Hey guys, something really weird just happened in class, but I can’t talk about it right […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017

Educational Excerpts: On the Current State of Viewer Discretion Jurisprudence

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) In this column, we provide excerpts from current legal research by leading academics across Canada. Today, we are featuring Professor Sheffield S. […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017

In Surprising Move, Blue J Legal Quits Law School to Become Rapper

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) UV revisits one of the 1Ls we featured in our September issue, and discover some surprising developments. When I first spoke with […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtJanuary 26, 2017

I’m Afraid of Everyone: Social Anxiety in Law School

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Picture this: You’re at home getting ready for the end of Orientation Week pub night. You were actually invited to a pre-pub […]

Rabiya MansoorNovember 30, 2016

UV “News” Round Up

Rabiya Mansoor (2L) and Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Admin Goes Day Without Student Complaint, Assumes the Worst On November 24, U of T Law’s administration experienced […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016

The Administration’s Guide to Writing a Law School Exam

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) The administration asked us to print this how-to guide for writing law school exams, out of concern that students were ignoring their […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016

An Oral History of the IRAC War Part Three: Brief Accomplished

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) When we last visited our duo of petulant professors and Queen Gloria, the group was completely split into three factions, but there […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016

A Suit for Every Occasion

Aidan Campbell (2L) and Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Never owned dress clothes before but still need to look sharp for the corporate recruit? We’ve got you […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016

2FML: A Cautionary Tale

Janine Prongpepper (Alumnus) as told to Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) I’m going to make this short and sweet. My name is Janine Prongpepper and I’ve been […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtNovember 30, 2016

You Want it Darker: 2016 Gives and 2016 Takes Away

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) and Nick Papageorge (2L) Nick: My pop culture highlight of 2016 was finding out that Bob Dylan had been awarded the Nobel […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 27, 2016

Not Throwing Away Their Shot: Diverse Cast Shines in “Iacobucci: A Canadian Musical”

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) How does a balding, short, son of the Supreme Court and a Lawyer, dropped in the middle of a thriving spot and […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 27, 2016

Computer Habits of a Student Post-OCIs

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) In the name of science, an anonymous student agreed to have a monitoring system installed on their personal computer to record their […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtOctober 27, 2016

An Oral History of the IRAC War Part Two: Weapons of Brief Destruction

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) When we last heard from our fractious Legal Methods professors, Hugh English had gone rogue, taking a third of the class with […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016

An Intro to the Jackman Law Building, Brought to You by B+H Architects in Concert with the Rich Alumni of U of T Law

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) and Nick Papageorge (2L) At the end of the Sullivan & Cromwell LLP Summer Break we sat down with the Diamond & […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016

It’s All Upper Year Moot from Here

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) Every once in a while, law school reminds you that you are essentially a complete, one-hundred percent, total failure. Just a useless […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016

Meet Your Fellow 1Ls

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) After being in law school for over a month now, you’ve probably met many of your fellow 1Ls. You might even be […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016

In Landmark Decision, Judge Rules that Ex-Boyfriend is No-Good Human Garbage

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) In what legal experts are calling an unprecedented decision, Justice Julianna Bishop released a verdict today convicting her now ex-boyfriend, Mitch Fitchland, […]

Kevin SchoenfeldtSeptember 28, 2016

An Oral History of the IRAC War Part One: A Brief Introduction

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L) You may not know this, but many years ago, Legal Methods was taught not in three sections as it is today, but […]

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